Crashing...


HOW FAR DOWN WILL I HAVE TO GO BEFORE I START COMING UP?
It's hit me... and hit me hard. Im so tired. I don't know if I can take something like this again. My mind is spinning out of control.. everything is out of my control.
that IS one thing I know.
I see that more now then i ever have-
Why do i do this everytime? Why can't i start off right instead of banging my head against the wall- over and over until i have this terrible headache.. Im not sure why im here. I can't sleep i know that- but i can't do a lot of things now. Please Please say its not true.. please let me wake up from this. Let me start over.. Let my sweet sweet baby boy be ok.
I saw him today... his eyes as bright as ever. they were still a little wet from the tears he had been crying. I leaned in the car to give him a kiss " goodbye bright-eyes...". He kept holding his juice up to share with me.. and giving me those precious smiles. I kissed my sister and gave Jacob and Andrew "Eskimo kisses" (Thats our newest thing...) And then watched as they drove away. The next time I hear from them I will know one way or the other. That news will come tomorrow... The wait is killing me... on the other hand i could almost wait forever for that--- My heart will pound every time the phone rings and i will hear nothing but what my mom says when she answers. I will know right away if it is Beth or not... and depending on that my heart will either refuse to beat (while my lungs refuse to take in any air) or go back to this dull anticipating ache that I have been feeling ever since we got the news.
Im sorry... sorry that Im not good at this. Sorry that I don't do or say the right things at the right times. I know that that is not even what you want me to say now... but its all I can say.
Im sorry that to a lot of you this may not make sense.
And im thankful... so very very thankful for you. And for your patience and care for me and my life.
I thank God for you~

Tomorrow will determine a lot for me... even though i know i should rest my soul in you tonight. I want that. Help me Jesus.
Jennifer-