Its just a lullaby for baby

From her daddy dear

A song that mamma can sing to her

When daddy dears not near-

Its just a lullaby for baby...

It was dark and i had been crying... and he held me and sang to me. Sang me my song.

and when he left I hit the wall with my fist... and cried in the dark.

again-

But i still fell asleep to my lullaby. I will never forget how secure i felt- and how it didn't matter that i was crying like a baby- and how i wasn't grown up- and how i was aloud to be scared-

But then it was morning. And i had to wake up- and be grown up- and i wasn't aloud to be scared... see- i had to sing to the baby- and i had to make him feel secure- I was the adult.


John Linville "for baby"

Hmm... no- im not ready to be here yet.
I can pull it off in person- but some how i cant hide so well here.

So cold- this weather fits my heart.

"Hello my beloved sister!"

And her e-mail went on from there. I can't believe she wrote! This has made my night!
Made my whole week-- which is good because it will get me through this last week without her.
*smiling*

Im so tired.. and I have clinic run through all day tomorrow.
Thank you both for keeping me company on my long drive home tonight. You are dear friends!

It was wonderful to see you guys playing for a little bit tonight.. brought back some great
memories... I didn't like that Bill wasn't out there- Ok...
im going on now- i have to get some sleep.
Jenn

What a joy it was to read over my dear sisters words! I am fine my sweet jenn not dead!
All is wonderfull. Bring Davids malariw pills! that is the most important thing jenn check your email I must go with love jonlyn

After a long drive filled with silence and cheap cigarette smoke- I am home.
I am about to go take a bath and study... its a bit risky yes.
All of my notes and other work could be lost with one slip.
But a bath would be really nice- and i have to study.
I have about twenty muscles that i need to catch up on.

Ok.. Im off to give this new method a shot.

Good night- I hope i can come by tomorrow.. if not- play well!
Jenn

I would love to see all of your faces if you could sit in on one of my classes- it would be priceless!
I just realized that i don't really talk so much about school. There is so much to talk about!

I love the people at my school.
Tonight was nice- we got out about 20 min. early... Thalia is a self proclaimed "softy".
So Terry worked his magic and she let us go.
She is by far my favorite teacher. She was in a great mood tonight.

Randy is fasting... doing the "master cleanse" so he was quiet tonight.
Terry proclaimed that he could survive anything after having twins at 18.
All of us girls were in a quiet... its too cold in here mood.
And Scott- was insane as usual. Passing around his spice girls clip board that he made out of magazine clippings in nursing school--
And we all huddled around the floor vents. Trying to keep warm.. And laughed and joked a lot-
I really didn't take any notes- very easy class tonight.
They are all so wonderfully strange- its always entertaining to go to class!
these people are very Asheville. And they are so much a part of my life.

Tomorrow will be a nice easy day- I just have Michael to take care of- then Im going to Asheville with jt.. then i will see you lovely people at church. Thats the plan anyways.
We will see-
Have a great night.

Squiggly lines...

So much has changed- But i still sleep with my hair down.

Hmm... Things are ok. Im becoming overwhelmed all too quickly with the stress of school.
I have so much to do this semester.
Im not sure that I can do it all. Time will tell- Just as it does for everything else.

My best friend is worlds away. I am praying that nothing terrible will happen until she is home- Im so very selfish. It is hard though you see- To be without her. She would have come in handy the other night.
She knows what to do with my heart these days. But in her absence I am forced to turn some where else for my help- hmm Im seeing a bit of a pattern. Maybe if I would just keep my people and my god in the right order everyone wouldn't have to leave. It couldn't be that simple could it? Would He really take away my relationships? Yes...I think He has. of course the fact that He knows best comes into play- And that I really had nothing to do with it either way comes into play- i shouldn't try to figure you out.

We talked for the first time in what feels like forever. It was nice- Strange too though.
So much has changed. It was interesting that the thing that used to put my mind at ease- and lead me into wonderful sleep, that night gave me anything but peace and rest.
My head full of questions.
My heart- not full at all.
I want it to be full again.
If you are following what I am saying- Don't worry too much. It is late- And these things come up.
Don't think you have to take something back or guard your words and your time with me more closely.
I just spent some time thinking on it. Don't pity me. And don't break me again.
I hate that I can't hold a single feeling for more then a passing second.

Two dates on a stone with a small line in between. 1985-?

This just in from Taiwan.

"We are enjoying "real" chinese food including, snake soup, turtle something(who knows what that was) and fried chiken feet. Come go with us!
In Jesus, Linda for Sam, Brittany, David and Jonlynn".

Man. It bugs me that they still spell her name wrong. Oh well- It does make me happy however, that my sister is eating such lovely things.. Im hoping that the snakes still had their heads on..
Probably not- but maybe just one on accident for her bowl of soup. I don't think that is what i am supposed to be praying for. I had a terrible dream- I dreamed that she was never coming back. That she had died... it was the most awful feeling. It was just a dream- I don't think i could live through that. ok moving on before i cry over a silly dream!
Anyways- The rest of the e-mail talked about how God was working.. They are all safe. Thought i would give you a little update.
I have to go clean like crazy- The Kendals are staying here tomorrow night.
Goodbye for now- Jenn

96 on my latest A&P test...

Tomorrow night is my practical exam. People watching me and taking notes.
Hm- yes please do pray. now is time for sleep!
Jenn

Large~ black~ and dark... only small white keys to contrast.

We like it dark...
we love it dark!
All that we need to say-
all the catching up-all of our pain- hurt-
dissapointment and joy comes out through our hands.
We leave having had a conversation of music.
And we leave ready for whatever might come with the sun in the morning.

Jennifer

They have arrived safe.

I took a deep breath- and felt my heart relax a little.. leading up to the hug goodbye and all the seconds after, it has been holding tight.

I was sitting there.. the only one awake- I could see the tail lights in the mirror across the room.
I could hear atleast 3 clocks ticking.. the sound of time and change pounding in my ears.
4:30 rolled arround. I knocked on the door and we were of long before the sun was up.

The drive home was long.. towards the end i pulled out a random CD in the dark.
hmm... why did it have to be that one? Still hard to hear those songs.
It was nice to remember what life was like when those songs were playing.
So in the end I was smiling a painful smile... But not a single tear-
I pulled into work at 7:35 monday morning... apologized for being 5 min. late... and smiled.
and the day went on from there.

Tonight I saw all of my strange and wonderful friends. They make you look so normal. They make you such a comfort. I did miss them though. Not as much as i will miss you now that things are back to being crazy. I will see even less of all of you this semester.
I just realized how tired I am
Ok... goodnight for now.
Jenn

I entered the room where she was sitting.
Typing letters on to a screen.
I smiled as I took my place beside her,exhausted from the packing I had nearly finished.
She just kept typing, and then she said" you know you have to post before you leave"
I stood wondering if this was in fact true.
As you can see I came to the conclusion that it was.
So I smiled and said "yeah I know"

I am leaving in two days. At least that's what they told me. I am finding it hard to believe, none the less I am making all of the preparations.

She asked me if I was excited. Of course I said yes, and that's not really true. I mean I am excited of course, but like I said it doesn't feel real yet. It will soon, oh I am sure of that. Perhaps it will feel all to real.

I am sure I could write pages on end of what I am feeling and never convey to you this emotion, so in light of that thought I have decided not to try. I am to tired to try some thing I know I will fail, and I am to tired of failing things I try.

That being said all there is left to say is goodnight my dear friends. I will miss my home I am sure of that. I will miss my Jenn and I know that will hurt. I will miss my phone call at night, and crawling up into my bed with my favorite pillow that is green. I will miss my silly little dog. I will miss my family, and my nephews I am sure. I will miss so many things. I hope I won't miss any snow. I would love to come home to a ton of snow! I know I will miss moms cooking. Probably more than ever before. I know I will miss things that I can't think of now, silly little things that I don't even think about while I am here.

I will miss you all I know that.

anyhow signed by a very sleepy Jonlyn L.

It is nice to be here again-
and im so grateful to know that atleast you, my dear friend have been reading.
My brother is now 11- Even though that is a year less then i thought he was... i really don't know where all the time has gone to. It was a nice party- With all of my insaine family- I was thinking tonight about how Bill and Ian seem to be at everyone of these crazy get togethers. I love it!

Monday she will be gone... Im really not ready for it this time around. she has been my rock for forever... but these past few months especially. God please hold her.
I will drive down to GA tomorrow to take jonlyn.. Then get up about 3:30 on monday morning and head home... or to work i mean.
I will need you guys while she is gone!!

Jessie- i tried to call you tonight... but i had the wrong number in my phone-- and i called your house. At an hour that im sure your parents would not aprove of.. I decided not to try for your cell number.. i will get it tomorrow.

ok... sleep calls- Night
Jenn

hmm.. It is the most wonderful thing!
I feel happy again. And i think it is because i really am happy again. Time will tell- i could just be at the top of the hill on my roller coaster- about to come down again.. But i don't think so-
I think im good until my cart is completely thrown off the tracks again.
~Jennifer

Funny how eighteen years can turn around in one day, and you are left useless, tired, and undiscovered.

Your goal has vanished nothing remaining,well, there is empty pride and scattered hopes. Not much for all that work.

Life has stolen, and you laugh.

You've been broken, beaten, and now your confusing purpose with worldly expectation.

Your disillusioned.

-Jonlyn L.