Hmmm..
I have been listening to our CD and there is a song on there (that is now playing) that my Mom and Dad sang together. Just the two of them. The plan was for us to come back and dub in our violins and maybe some vocals or something on top of it... But when we got back to the studio dad told us that danny(recording guy) thinks we should leave it the way it is. I was fine with that.. But my dad went on to say "He thinks you will really appreciate it when your Mom and I are gone." Gone? dead Gone?
I hate that thought.. So I said something stupid and quickly changed the subject.

Death is too real to me still.. it has been a while since someone i really loved has died. But in the past year i have lost many people some to death- but others to extremely different reasons. I guess I am at the point now where im afraid to hope. And that in its self scares me because thats just not the way I am.

One night last week I was feeling so hopeless. I didnt understand what God was doing. Or why He couldn't just make it better. Just fix it..
It was the night I got the news about Alisa. I was the only one home and as soon as I got here I got the phone to check and see if there was any news.. I wanted it to be on the voice mail so badly- But there was nothing.
In a few minutes the phone rang. And I knew who it was. It was my Grandmother- I knew that it wasn't good because she was making small talk and her voice was shaking kept asking if she was ok...and knew of course that she wasn't. And that If the news was good she would have said it much sooner. So she finally said "well I guess you know that we went to court for Alisa today" Yes.. I do and?? what happened Meme? "She is going to Ohio"
And my heart sank. She gave me some details. And we talked about how we just didn't understand. And then she told me to tell mom and be sure and give her a hug.
My parents got home and asked with so much hope in their eyes and voices-Any news?
I hated that moment.

I had to drive up to Ridge Haven that night. It was a very long drive... I had a great talk with God.. Painful.. but very good. I was crying I could hardly see- And after I had told Him everything that I wanted to (several times) He began to give me peace. He was bringing to mind all the blessings that I have... and I was thanking Him for them. He met me right where I needed to be met.. I was still crying and hurting and very confused.. but still the God of the universe met me.
My mind was flooded with people in my life that love me.. And when I was thanking Him for these people my family and one other person I stopped crying. It was really amazing to me. I got to ridge haven put on my happy face for a few people who had no idea what was going on.. then made a few phone calls that I needed to make..And went to sleep.. which was unexpected.
Im not so sure why i told you this.. I just need to talk about it I guess. And I NEED your prayers. My heart is still hurting and my hopes are crushed. If you made it this far thank you for caring enough to read this-
Jenn